Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.