Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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*offers Batman cough drops*
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee