Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

A drum solo but on your face.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.