“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”