“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Ron is short for Aaronald
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014