Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

ㅤ

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.