Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
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[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
out-housing market appears to be strong
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.