Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
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My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
How wrong was this guy?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
life finds a way
