“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
You Might Also Like
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Strangers have the best candy.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’