“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild