“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…