Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

liiiiiiiiike

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.