Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.