Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.