Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Saw online –
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
God saw you do that.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now