Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!