Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.