“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
A flock of dads is called a grill.
🛁
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message