“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
The First Farmer
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud