Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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my first day as a raccoon
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure