Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

#MeanwhileInCanada

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.