Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Dead
Alive
Other✔

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.