Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

Sing it!

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

A friend sent me this.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.