@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

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@interwebmemes

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

@CrockettForReal

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@david8hughes

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@Bluestmoon_

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.

@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?