“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
The USS B port
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed