“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Me too 😆
Yup.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!