Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Are you ok, human???