Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?