Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down