Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.