“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
this chia pet tastes awful
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Not messing around
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”