“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
this is literally a CIA plant
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything