Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.