Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”