Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Support your local cemetery
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
The first one, obviously
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.