Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Girl, same.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
set yourself free xox
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night