Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
this article brought to you by lions
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.