@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

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@junejuly12

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

@TheToddWilliams

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

@therepoguy

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@SteveAmiri

If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.

@KKAlThani

I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.

@sarcasm_inc

Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
FANtastic, Ellen

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.