Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Risking my life for fun.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan