Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
🙅🏻
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.