Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left