Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.