Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
You Might Also Like
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}