Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
You Might Also Like
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread