Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I put the p in pants.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Why? Just why? 😂
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.