Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.