Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

Sorry. Not sorry

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe