Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva