Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
waiting for halloween be like:
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.