Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
what could possibly go wrong?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
what are they serving at kfc then???
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife