why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Peace was never an option
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.