why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur