why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti