Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
#growingpains
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.