Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
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People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Happy Febuary everyone!
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Maths meets science
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
this is what they would have looked like, though
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro