Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

A dead goose is called a ghoost

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

Spotted in the wild

ㅤ

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

I’m not lazy

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”