Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
wtf management?!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Sunday
