Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*