Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight