Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
August 8
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say