Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
You Might Also Like
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂