Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Hard not to take this personally
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
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Damn he played himself