Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You Might Also Like
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.