Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face