Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Eating for two.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.