Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.