Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
You Might Also Like
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
make up your mind
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack