Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank