Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential