Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.