Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Well well well…

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.