My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I think my liver would like a body transplant.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!