Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you