Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.