Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
stop
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Give a baker flours on your first date.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.