Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Wikigenius
