Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I’m not alone. I have ants.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.